The Danger of Putting Your Identity in Earthly Relationships

Happy Valentine's Day!

Everyone lives in community. And so, relationships are something that everyone deals with—except for hermits and astronauts, and I sincerely doubt you're one of those. So everyone deals with the ups and downs of being in community. 

And American culture places a heavy focus on romantic relationships in particular. According to one article from Forbes, Americans typically spend over $20 billion in total for Valentine's Day. That's a lot! 

Even for those of us who don't date, relationships can take the top priority. Friendships give us the pleasant feeling of being admired, and we love connecting with like-minded people. 

And that's great. But sometimes I wonder if we take it too far.

There's nothing inherently wrong with these relationships. They can be a blessing. But it's also easy to let them become too important in your life. It's easy to let them become an idol.

What defines you? Is it your earthly relationships with your family and friends? Or is it something else? 

Placing our identity in the wrong place will lead only to heartache, insecurity, and emptiness. We can't be defined by our earthly relationships. Only the relationship with our heavenly Father can satisfy.

Disproportionately Sized

First, let's look at what actually happens when we let our earthly relationships define us. 

Edward Welch wrote an excellent book titled, When People are Big and God Is Small. The book is about the fear of man, and the title accurately summarizes what happens when we put our identity in the wrong place: people, in our minds, are big. 

And God is small. 

When people are disproportionately big in our minds, we fall prey to a whole host of problems—people-pleasing, peer pressure, insecurity, and just plain old fear. I can't count the number of times I've stopped myself from "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) because I was worried about—or afraid of—offending someone. 

Have you experienced this? The fear that someone you like will think badly of you? Honestly, it doesn't even need to be someone you like—I've been practically paralyzed by the thought of offending a perfect stranger. 

And I know I'm not the only one. This isn't a unique struggle; everyone struggles with the fear of man. Everyone. 

When it comes to our relationships with other people, I've noticed a tendency to tie our worth to what people think of us. If my friends think I'm great, then I'm great. If they don't—or if they don't constantly tell me that they do—then I'm not. 

And that is a terrible place to be. 

Do you see what we've done? We've put our worth—something that only God can give—in what other people think. We've taken our value and tied it to the number of friends we have, so we think (or feel) that popularity is the ultimate goal.

Other people have no authority to decide our worth! But it really feels like they do. 

This is what happens when people are bigger than God in our mind. This is what happens when earthly relationships define our identity. 

And it sure isn't great. 

 

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

So... what's the answer? 

In Matthew 22:34–40, Jesus answers the Pharisees when they ask what the most important commandment of the Law is. 

They aren't asking about relationships—they're legalists, and they just want to catch Jesus in saying something wrong so they can have an excuse to condemn him. But his answer is striking because of what he says about love. 

The greatest commandment in the law is, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." And the second-greatest is to "love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37–39)

Loving your neighbor takes second place to loving God. And for good reason. 

Don't get me wrong, loving your neighbor is still extremely important. But it isn't the most important—the most important commandment is loving God. 

So it's pretty reasonable to conclude that as Christians, we're called to cultivate our relationship with God first, and then focus on the people we know. 

That's not to say you shouldn't focus on personal relationships! It's just that your relationship with God comes first. Don't put off your Bible reading to text with a friend, and don't hide your faith because it's "uncool" and won't help you gain popularity. 

Approaching things in that order—God, then others—will help both your relationship with God and your relationship with others. Your love for the Lord and your gratefulness for Christ's sacrifice will spill over into the way you interact with everyone else, and you'll be salt and light to the people around you. 

Isn't that a much better way to live? 

Jesus is the Lover of our souls. And if we shift from unconsciously prioritizing the world to consciously prioritizing Him, we'll be able to stand firm. 

Our identity is in Christ.