Loving People Who Hurt You

What do you do when you've been hurt by someone you love? 

I don't mean when you've been hurt a little by someone you love, like when someone's having a bad day and they snap at you. 

What do you do when someone you know consistently hurts you? When your friendship with them is doing you more harm than good? 

The world's answer, of course, is to cut them out of your life completely. Friends who hurt you are hastily labeled as "toxic," and you're encouraged to get rid of them ASAP. They aren't worth you.

And in extreme cases, that might be right. Sometimes you need to get away from someone for your own safety. 

But is that loving? Is that the Christian way to live? 

What does the Bible say about loving people who hurt you? 

Note: This is something of a sensitive topic, and I've tried to base my thoughts entirely on the Bible to make sure they're as sound as possible, as I usually try to do. However, I want to make it absolutely clear that I don't consider my own thoughts the final authority on this. The Bible is the revealed word of God, and I am a fallen human trying to interpret it as best as I'm able—so I'm not able to interpret the Bible perfectly. 

I hope that you'll find something of value in this article, and I hope (and pray) that I've managed to write truthfully and accurately about this subject. 

Caveat aside, let's get to the point.

 

A Biblical Perspective on Love

First of all, the Bible says to love your enemies.

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:43–48)

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells the gathered crowds that instead of only loving and associating with the people they like, they have to love those they hate. It's completely counterintuitive.

Even though this is a command many of us are very familiar with, we still forget about it so often. I know I do, even though I've been taught about it practically since I was born.

But if you love only those who love and appreciate you, then you're not doing what Jesus told us to do. 

So is that the answer, then? Always be friends with everyone, no matter what they do to you, always at the expense of your own mental health? 

I don't think it is. 

Matthew 10:14 tells us that during the course of the disciples' ministry, if any town didn't accept them, they were to "shake off the dust from [their] feet" when they left. 

Proverbs 22:24–25 says explicitly to "make no friendship with a man given to anger" because you might "learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare."

And in John 2:24–25, we see that Jesus himself didn't entrust himself to everyone, because he "knew what was in man." 

Jesus loved all people, but even he stayed away from being close with most of them. 

Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), but it can also dull it. Trusting the wrong friends will hurt you and potentially lead you away from the truth. 

 

A Christian Response

So... what do we do about people whose friendship hurts us? 

There isn't an easy answer, unfortunately. It's difficult to know where to draw the line between loving someone and preserving yourself, and unhealthy friendships can be extremely damaging. 

But we do have some general principles that will help us be discerning in our situation. 

1. Love people who hurt you.

Maybe don't tell them the deepest secrets of your soul, if you don't think they'll be trustworthy. But love them, and treat them with respect even if they don't treat you with respect. 

2. Seek council.

Talk to people you trust and ask their advice! Preferably talk to someone more mature in their faith, like a pastor or mentor. 

Don't gossip. But seeking council is a very Biblical way to gain wisdom. (Proverbs 19:20)

3. Go back to the Bible.

Read the passages I mentioned above, and read all the others that I didn't! The Bible is true, dependable, and "profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness." (2 Timothy 3:16)

God has given us his Word for a reason.

4. PRAY.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Pray for wisdom! Pray for the other person! Pray for yourself! 

Seek God's help in EVERYTHING YOU DO. Pray without ceasing. 

In difficult situations, the Holy Spirit will lead you. (Romans 8:14)

5. Forgive.

'Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times."' (Matthew 18:21–22)

No matter what the other person does, you need to forgive them. 

This is really uncomfortable, sometimes. But it's part of the walk of the Christian. 

You've sinned countless times yourself. God doesn't need to forgive you, but he does anyway! 

Forgiveness doesn't mean acting like the sin never happened, but it does mean letting go of the bitterness and resentment you may feel. If you cling to hate, you don't have room to love. 

And love is our ultimate calling. No matter what it costs us. 

Because Jesus loved us so much, even though it cost him everything.